All posts by Maggie Tan

ein jahr

365 days, 365 steps.

smashingly candid, foraging for candies.

words don’t mean anything,

when we relive the euphoria.

as we take to the streets, they chase us down.

but they will not beat us down.

we have youth in our blood,

we float high on cloud nine.

bohemianly dressed, they captured us.

in pictures. in frames.

in moments.

 

we poured our love in caskets,

ammunitions waited alongside.

but it started to rain –

and we no longer needed to fire away.

stretched into its final chapter,

we clung on to our bus seats, stuck with headphones,

unwilling to unplug.

a city of spy cakes, rickety waiters and sarcastic undertones,

echoed a ricochet of applause.

for we fell utterly in love with its complexity.

 

i miss you. i dig you, you on the other side.

simultaneously desiring to return.

upon your gaze.

and be lavished with some central european love.

 

*

 

this is dedicated to those who were there.

who witnessed a bygone era.

a dream.

 

dit moi

what are you afraid of darling?

don’t burn them bridges,

ignite yourself instead,

with the fire that you tried to cover.

can’t help that i’m so extreme.

swinging from one end to another,

i suddenly remember, such different days,

where i wore my heart on my sleeves,

and said, i love you, drenched and anxious.

letters of open hearts, led one to a foreign land.

parallel universes exist, but we’re meant to be,

exactly where we are standing right now.

right here, right on this spot that we’re occupying.

for there wouldn’t have been a field across the pond,

where we kissed those innocent days goodbye –

in frocks and words, surrounded by your guitar chords.

a new dawn came after those balmy summer nights.

stability calls for a shelter, the timing was perfect.

but did you start to feel trapped, by digging your own hole.

it went deeper and deeper, until we lost sight of the surface.

the pipes broke and all hell went loose –

concentrated energies targeted at the creation of a portal.

as the air got sucked in, one breath was left for seduction.

a slow and unexpected one, every single bit delicious.

and you were starting to think, this is part of growing up.

brother, this valuable lesson has taught me how to love myself.

miss independence entered the room, sparkles and dandy.

to give was the shot of the era, until he who had more to give arrived.

good fortune followed, but something was missing.

lack of commitment, lack of seriousness.

perhaps it’s for the best.

but then a tall glass of tenderly affection poured itself.

the melted ice are still hanging, while kindred spirits roam free.

 

parallel universes exist, but we’re meant to be,

exactly where we are standing right now.

right here, right on this spot that we’re occupying.

for there wouldn’t be a bright flickering light,

whispering “love is within you. always been there”.

 

dit moi, aren’t we blessed to be free?

 

dear mr fantasy

i love you. i love you. i love you.

perhaps this is insignificant to you, but i don’t believe so.

you know those moments where we thought that you and i will never meet again?

well, you appeared in my thoughts today.

and we all know that thoughts don’t randomly appear.

so clearly, our narratives are not over.

and today, i felt like saying “i love you. i love you. i love you.”

you were much older. you attended the greatest university on planet earth.

and you were my first lover. first proper one anyway.

but boy oh boy, you had no idea.

let’s rewind this tape, i don’t want to forget –

 

he said, “there’s a party. come with me.”

so affirmative, so incredibly sexy on that bike of his.

red cups strewn across the floor, all these young minds gazed and lazed about.

way past midnight, way past curfew of this seventeen year old girl.

hell, there’s a first for everything, they say.

people started to leave, souls started to cry for companionship.

“another drink at mine?” he asked.

innocence was the card she held, adventure was the suit she wanted to play.

crossing that field, hearts began to race and they began to pace.

droplets of vodka, ubiquitous guitars in his room.

books and novels, stories and plans filled every single corner of this premise of love.

they lighted a joint, sang songs of sorrow.

the chemistry was palpable, the white noise became louder.

the oxygen became thinner, the space closed on them.

he leaned over for a kiss. she stopped him.

he leaned over again. this time, she didn’t stop him.

it was a night of amour, a night of unfinished business.

fast forward three weeks and a day, he called her after his trip.

she was at a concert, he was on his bike.

long nights fell upon them and she had to leave soon.

discussions varied, ideas exchanged; she could not resist any longer.

the next morning, they played his guitar together.

the emotions ran deep, his buddhist outlook fascinated her.

tall, unshaven; armed with a brilliant mind, compassionate soul.

have you ever felt those infinite moments? it was one of them then and there,

when they kissed goodbye, on the very field that initiated it all.

she left without a last look, without regret.

because those summer nights taught her something.

this life is only a fantasy.

 

tonight, dressed in an oriental sleeping gown,

you are once again on my mind.

it was not a lost love, it was pure love.

what we felt then and there was infinite.

“dear mister fantasy, play us a tune.”

and we did just that.

 

attention deficit disorder

so what if i smoke a little more than i should.

so what if i drink a bottle of prosecco and sing a little louder than i should.

so what if i jump around at 4am and be a little more disturbing than i should.

so what if i read a novel instead of these texts that i’m supposed to.

so what if i walk around without shoes and step on a little more dirt than i should.

so what if i stare at strangers and act a little more capricious than i should.

so what if i laugh and make fun of myself a little more than others would.

so what if i compliment a little more, complain a little less,

cry on my own, kick around, run around, poke around,

in circles, without a plan, a little out of control,

and popping it here and there, than i really, really should.

so what if i’m silent, detached, living in the clouds.

so what if i’m obnoxious, touchy-feely, demanding and pounding.

so what if i disappear, then reappear when you need me,

when you can’t see a way out, can’t find an answer.

let the answers drift. let the questions flow.

let your tears tell you what you really want.

let your smiles tell you you’re blessed.

let your fears urge you to try.

let your miles prove them wrong.

 

so what if i put things off only to find that when i come back to them,

i have a renewed sense of purpose and a pair of rainbow goggles.

walk away your doubts, cast away that wilson.

let them be free.

let them have space to roam and wander.

let them run into walls and fall on the ground.

let them, simply let them go.

 

you held my gaze upon that first entrance.

you are in my every breath, every step i turn.

you are in my heart.

and you know this.

 

i care. i want to care.

i want to give more cares and fucks.

this body we occupy, this mind that comes alive,

are you conscious of your being?

are you conscious of the energies around you?

are you conscious of how transient our passing on this face of earth,

and scrumptious that scone is?

do you have attention deficit disorder?

good.

provoke them.

 

these structures draw our contours, and yours is looking fine.

i want to kiss your lips, blow a smoke ring to encapsulate your figure.

hop through it, you are fine.

you are more than fine.

 

fuck

the highest peaks could also take you down to the deepest valleys.

the heart is worn on the sleeves these days.

there is a stronger need to bond.

a warrior, twice defeated.

why am i so susceptible to your charms?

excess, debauchery, too much fluttering;

and not enough substance.

black hole, spinning round and round,

where are we going?

hedonistic tendencies overriding one’s true self,

does it take paranoia and hypercriticism to reveal one’s dark side?

white nights, powdered noses, popping all over the place.

what are we chasing?

experiences of the sparkling led us down this path,

a path that seemed so beautiful at first sight,

but does it lead us anywhere?

nowhere, somewhere?

within us.

within us?

 

*

 

emotions coursing through these hardened arteries,

the initial high is waning and reality is creeping in.

do you remember the last time you felt this way?

free-spirited and independent,

positive vibes happily shared with all.

the bubbly demeanour deceives,

and tucks feelings away.

locked up in a place where the paper trail is burnt.

traces could no longer be found,

it had been such a long time since we last met.

did you detect the chemistry between us?

is it still as palpable as before, if not more?

judged, time after time,

why must you think this way?

 

i am not perfect.

i am fragile.

and i won’t let you see that ever.

 

perhaps i should alter my ways,

perhaps our creation ended long before its final production.

perhaps our secrets hinder the blissful construction of our redolence.

whatever it is, you got me thinking,

feeling, feeling, feeling all these intense feelings,

of bygone days and forgotten nights.

 

*

 

dazzling eyes, stared and left a mark on my battered heart.

discoveries of hidden dimensions,

like a kid finding lollipops for the first time.

as we intertwined and played the tune of intoxicated cupid,

you hit the spot, right in the middle.

of the essence that i’ve been trying to catch.

pleasure blinded me, a vision appeared out of thin air.

the horse charged ahead, swords drawn,

blood flowed and heads fell.

pain shook me, i could no longer see you –

your moans and prayers brought the karmic energy to our present day,

right here, right now,

i could no longer tolerate our mere bodies.

kissed your forehead,

kissed your eyes,

kissed your soul.

the opening of the heart:

i accepted all of it.

i forgave our past sins.

without judgment.

without contempt.

without hatred.

that face looked so sweet, i had to lay my head on you.

and already i began to regret allowing karma play the fool again.