dear mr fantasy

i love you. i love you. i love you.

perhaps this is insignificant to you, but i don’t believe so.

you know those moments where we thought that you and i will never meet again?

well, you appeared in my thoughts today.

and we all know that thoughts don’t randomly appear.

so clearly, our narratives are not over.

and today, i felt like saying “i love you. i love you. i love you.”

you were much older. you attended the greatest university on planet earth.

and you were my first lover. first proper one anyway.

but boy oh boy, you had no idea.

let’s rewind this tape, i don’t want to forget –

 

he said, “there’s a party. come with me.”

so affirmative, so incredibly sexy on that bike of his.

red cups strewn across the floor, all these young minds gazed and lazed about.

way past midnight, way past curfew of this seventeen year old girl.

hell, there’s a first for everything, they say.

people started to leave, souls started to cry for companionship.

“another drink at mine?” he asked.

innocence was the card she held, adventure was the suit she wanted to play.

crossing that field, hearts began to race and they began to pace.

droplets of vodka, ubiquitous guitars in his room.

books and novels, stories and plans filled every single corner of this premise of love.

they lighted a joint, sang songs of sorrow.

the chemistry was palpable, the white noise became louder.

the oxygen became thinner, the space closed on them.

he leaned over for a kiss. she stopped him.

he leaned over again. this time, she didn’t stop him.

it was a night of amour, a night of unfinished business.

fast forward three weeks and a day, he called her after his trip.

she was at a concert, he was on his bike.

long nights fell upon them and she had to leave soon.

discussions varied, ideas exchanged; she could not resist any longer.

the next morning, they played his guitar together.

the emotions ran deep, his buddhist outlook fascinated her.

tall, unshaven; armed with a brilliant mind, compassionate soul.

have you ever felt those infinite moments? it was one of them then and there,

when they kissed goodbye, on the very field that initiated it all.

she left without a last look, without regret.

because those summer nights taught her something.

this life is only a fantasy.

 

tonight, dressed in an oriental sleeping gown,

you are once again on my mind.

it was not a lost love, it was pure love.

what we felt then and there was infinite.

“dear mister fantasy, play us a tune.”

and we did just that.

 

attention deficit disorder

so what if i smoke a little more than i should.

so what if i drink a bottle of prosecco and sing a little louder than i should.

so what if i jump around at 4am and be a little more disturbing than i should.

so what if i read a novel instead of these texts that i’m supposed to.

so what if i walk around without shoes and step on a little more dirt than i should.

so what if i stare at strangers and act a little more capricious than i should.

so what if i laugh and make fun of myself a little more than others would.

so what if i compliment a little more, complain a little less,

cry on my own, kick around, run around, poke around,

in circles, without a plan, a little out of control,

and popping it here and there, than i really, really should.

so what if i’m silent, detached, living in the clouds.

so what if i’m obnoxious, touchy-feely, demanding and pounding.

so what if i disappear, then reappear when you need me,

when you can’t see a way out, can’t find an answer.

let the answers drift. let the questions flow.

let your tears tell you what you really want.

let your smiles tell you you’re blessed.

let your fears urge you to try.

let your miles prove them wrong.

 

so what if i put things off only to find that when i come back to them,

i have a renewed sense of purpose and a pair of rainbow goggles.

walk away your doubts, cast away that wilson.

let them be free.

let them have space to roam and wander.

let them run into walls and fall on the ground.

let them, simply let them go.

 

you held my gaze upon that first entrance.

you are in my every breath, every step i turn.

you are in my heart.

and you know this.

 

i care. i want to care.

i want to give more cares and fucks.

this body we occupy, this mind that comes alive,

are you conscious of your being?

are you conscious of the energies around you?

are you conscious of how transient our passing on this face of earth,

and scrumptious that scone is?

do you have attention deficit disorder?

good.

provoke them.

 

these structures draw our contours, and yours is looking fine.

i want to kiss your lips, blow a smoke ring to encapsulate your figure.

hop through it, you are fine.

you are more than fine.

 

fuck

the highest peaks could also take you down to the deepest valleys.

the heart is worn on the sleeves these days.

there is a stronger need to bond.

a warrior, twice defeated.

why am i so susceptible to your charms?

excess, debauchery, too much fluttering;

and not enough substance.

black hole, spinning round and round,

where are we going?

hedonistic tendencies overriding one’s true self,

does it take paranoia and hypercriticism to reveal one’s dark side?

white nights, powdered noses, popping all over the place.

what are we chasing?

experiences of the sparkling led us down this path,

a path that seemed so beautiful at first sight,

but does it lead us anywhere?

nowhere, somewhere?

within us.

within us?

 

*

 

emotions coursing through these hardened arteries,

the initial high is waning and reality is creeping in.

do you remember the last time you felt this way?

free-spirited and independent,

positive vibes happily shared with all.

the bubbly demeanour deceives,

and tucks feelings away.

locked up in a place where the paper trail is burnt.

traces could no longer be found,

it had been such a long time since we last met.

did you detect the chemistry between us?

is it still as palpable as before, if not more?

judged, time after time,

why must you think this way?

 

i am not perfect.

i am fragile.

and i won’t let you see that ever.

 

perhaps i should alter my ways,

perhaps our creation ended long before its final production.

perhaps our secrets hinder the blissful construction of our redolence.

whatever it is, you got me thinking,

feeling, feeling, feeling all these intense feelings,

of bygone days and forgotten nights.

 

*

 

dazzling eyes, stared and left a mark on my battered heart.

discoveries of hidden dimensions,

like a kid finding lollipops for the first time.

as we intertwined and played the tune of intoxicated cupid,

you hit the spot, right in the middle.

of the essence that i’ve been trying to catch.

pleasure blinded me, a vision appeared out of thin air.

the horse charged ahead, swords drawn,

blood flowed and heads fell.

pain shook me, i could no longer see you –

your moans and prayers brought the karmic energy to our present day,

right here, right now,

i could no longer tolerate our mere bodies.

kissed your forehead,

kissed your eyes,

kissed your soul.

the opening of the heart:

i accepted all of it.

i forgave our past sins.

without judgment.

without contempt.

without hatred.

that face looked so sweet, i had to lay my head on you.

and already i began to regret allowing karma play the fool again.

 

oh hey there

how our tastes have changed. childhood sweethearts, basketball, hot sweaty afternoons. your feet on mine, we drew on swimming pool tiles. teenagedom engulfed us, all these nights we spent dancing, grinding, adrinkin’, led us to a field where flowers bloomed. crashing cars, winks and clinks, hormones aragin’. you held my gaze, touched my heart. first break, first loss. amended and strong again, crossed the world and landed in the city of lights. good times as we rolled by the northern towns, abercrombie and fitch goodness. so young, so innocent. as we basked in the sun on our picnic blanket, drinking that bottle of french wine, stroking and smiling, woke up to find a dream of a summer. all these hungry minds, longing to make a difference. you taught me twain, you taught me strings. sparks of inspiration, strayed across the line. when you returned, innocence got caught and released. kiss. kiss. more kiss. we left this continent. but i found a buzz, holding my hand, sleeping next to me on rainy weekends. another bridge awaited us, except it got burned. lost and confused, travels renewed spirits. chicken soup for the soul appeared, too much chemistry between us. waterfalling and eurotripping, new discoveries of the body were made. as sensuality peaked, fortune arrived. a season of the orient, full of substance. yet time didn’t buy us more time, and another era rang us. through the hazy smoke, we found each other. we created a magical space. then the vodka fueled nights followed, one slow year. wait – is it now? older passerby’s, younger distractions, so much attraction boiling within us. the days of youth beckon, ushering another age of experiments. energy splurging out of this pot, once again, i embark on brand new adventures. doing it like it’s 2011, when the pages were blank, and endless flow of ink to write these stories. to have a ball. and ultimately, to rediscover our sexuality. through these sparkling eyes. through our malleable reality.

 

oh hey there.

 

university years

at last.

sweet glory.

the ultimate achievement arrived in a tangible form.

freshers everywhere, excited and way too eager for their own good.

but now, the state of mind lies in the heartland of Autos.

where the aryans reside and where the heart lies in illusion.

 

annoyed vibrations in the air, wafting like retarded bears.

uncertainty and poor timing. how naive, small children.

the unbearable heaviness of un-being ran its course.

winter came and the cold couldn’t get any colder.

 

broken shards pierced through the mirror, falling falling falling.

so sharp that cuts were inflicted on the bruised skin.

pain is a sensation. but pain is also power.

the power of regeneration. rebirth.

like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

a myriad of delights appeared. a season of opportunities.

seized and lived out to its pinnacle.

19 years, and europe became the playground.

the platform for many more adventures to come.

but the soul longs for spiritual reckoning.

figures that matter entered to prove its existence.

so memorable, yet so unrequited.

but that is precisely why it will always have a spot deep down inside.

 

*

 

filled with newfound wisdom and memories of profound beauty,

two decades found its place amongst the academics and athletes.

thus the year began with work in the company of friendships.

reinforced with strong ties amidst all the movement.

a bed that stayed was made as the dragons took over.

the rabbit hopped off and never looked back.

a crab came by and slipped away in the sand.

other interests occupied the mind, more occurrences took up the space of life.

beliefs were strengthened and suddenly, the cupid poured his elixir.

smooth and delicious, a summer of companionship.

exchange of cultures became a trend,

and we are still in round one.

oh, if only we’d known what was next in store.

 

*

 

everything happened so fast. a blink of an eye.

start. pause. rewind. pause.

fantasies are realities. reality is fantasy.

throw thyself into an absolutely new world.

enter the realms of mitteleuropa.

remnants of harvy ’09.

remnants of the year of teenage delinquency.

remnants of canadian days.

where we tasted our first liquor, our first herbs – our first rebellion.

where we felt invincible. immortal.

these memories are real. so real that it hurts, but only in the finest way.

because they remind you that you are alive and the path is so malleable.

and once we left that era, we find reality staring at us in the face again.

but this time, its dreamlike quality had dissipated,

contained in a jar that we put on our windowsills.

to keep us warm through the foreign nights.

perhaps these nights only seemed foreign because the soul refused to leave its beloved premise.
the moment it caught up with the presence, the dark clouds turned into a violent rain,
the skies cleared up and the sun was found shining brightly as if for the first time.
smiles in piles, grand adventures returned.
wilder than ever.
new characters formed new plot lines and lived another era.
one that is so different and unique, distinctive in taste.
which one cannot wash away.
it stained like red wine accidents, ferraris bent and fired up.
so many lessons learned, so many moments to treasure.

*

last note: i wouldn’t have done it any other way.

 

Discover, Engage, Inspire. Freelance journalist who produce films//On a trek, in search of untold stories.